Fat girl in a sea of Lululemon!

MY VIEWS | | April 2, 2013 at 7:45 pm

It’s 11:37pm and I know I should sleep. The alarm is set for 5am and I know I am going to regret watching reruns of Sex And The City but I feel like I need something to stop the thinking (worrying) about how I take another stab at my to-dos since I miserably failed at them again. But off course there is wine and silence, 2 of my favorite things, so I drag it more, thinking it will be worth it. I climb into bed with heavy eyelids  but am much more awake than I was as I put the kids to bed. I guess the tv did not work. But I close my eyes and hear my iPhone alarm going. Nooo. I could not have slept.

I quickly try to think of every plausible (and non plausible reason) why I should skip today: It is snowing! My friend is right and there is a link between beauty and sleep! Lack of sleep makes my weight issues heavier! What if the kids wake up and then the morning is a mess! Cuddling with your honey is what mornings were meant for! I need sleep!  But my feet hit the floor before I can let any of the reasons sink in. Normally people ease into waking up, but not me. I get to the bathroom and switch on the brights lights. Let’s get this done with! Warming up the car is for weaklings and those 20 minutes I have before I dress and fill up my water bottle is precious. Cold car? I just suck it up in my big jacket and drive, I mean I’m a Bostonion right?

I have been hitting the gym (I love that it costs only $10 a month so I am too lazy to cancel) and have even been there when they open up at 4:30am when hubby has to leave home extra early. But I have been attending the Pure Barre classes for the past few months. It kicks my ass but there is a lot of that so I totally need some kicking (how the heck did I let myself get into this shape?). I can almost hear my little sister saying “of course I’m in shape, round is a shape!” Anyway talking about wearing that big jacket (what do you mean what big jacket? I was talking about it a paragraph ago before you distracted me), being fat feels like I am perpetually wearing a jacket ALL THE TIME. It makes me feel clumsy and like I don’t know where I start and end at times. Of course and I am warmer than usual too.

I love my hour long elliptical workout in the gym while I catch up on headline news at CNN (what else does a girl do at 5am in the morning?) but my Pure Barre is my addiction. I walk in, take off my shoes and grab weights and more as I grab a spot on the floor. Nope, not exaggerating a bit here, it seems like all people at this class share the addiction and get there early to grab a spot as classes fill rapidly. I put my phone on silent and put it away and that alone takes all the strength I can muster. I avoid looking at the mirror as I sit and wait for class to begin, which leaves me staring at my sea of perfect bodies covered by (non see through) Lulelemon.

My idea of workout clothing is sweatpants (any) and some oversized t-shirt I got from some brand that I would never use outdoors. In other words, the ugly clothes! Here I see fashion. There is fashion in fitness?? Who knew! So not only am I the ugly dressed, who happens to be brown (another thing in minority) and a fat one at that (boy is that easier to write than to say) but I am not (yet) a Lululemon fashionista. And then the instructor says to look at the mirror for form and I forget and see me in the mirror. I wince! It is painful when the image of you does not marry the actual picture of what you look like. I look away!  Then I quickly remind myself that I am there for that exact reason.

Little does my instructor know that I am on the verge of throwing in the towel because balancing all this weight as I stand on my tiptoes kills me, but then I hear “You can do it Niri!”.  And damn it, I can! And I do! I keep my eye on the clock waiting for it all to be over. I feel like death, which is crazy since after I feel more alive than before. I try not to feel disappointed as the numbers on the scale don’t budge. Not. Even. A. Single. Bit! After the workout I was told that I did good on my planks. My head swelled. Until I got home and my 7 year old showed me what she did in her Boks workout class in school: PLANKS (only she did it perfectly)!

Then I do a small fashion show with my little girls for Old Navy and see pictures that don’t make me want to throw up. Well, that is not true: I mean pictures that hubby did not take because you know he does not understand a girl’s angle that is not flattering (pictures from lower?? Double chin anyone? Exactly) Thankfully girlfriends Lori and Sharon, who were also in the fashion show, took pics of me that surprised me. While I could still see the rolls of fat that the Spanx did not hide, I did not look hideous. I know those words seem harsh, but it is true. I loathe myself in pictures. These, while I did not love, I did not hate as well! When my friend reminded me that 3 months ago I did not look like that, I retorted that I had Spanx on, to which she replied “On your face?” Point noted.

So of course I was back at gym early next morning. The fat girl saga continues…

44 Comments

  1. 1

    I am having a rough morning dealing with body image stuff–some recent weight gain. thank you so much for this. You’re gorgeous–and you’re doing something great for yourself. Go easy.

  2. 2
    Sarahviz says:

    This was brave of you to write. I wake to my alarm at 4:55am to trudge to crossfit, where everyone seems to be fitter, skinnier and have better workout clothes. I saw myself in this post.

    • 2.1
      Mommy Niri says:

      Sarah I keep your FB feeds in my stream because they inspire me like you would not believe. Every time I see what you do it kicks me in motion. Thank you!

  3. 3

    You aren’t the only one who feels this way – I certainly was nodding my head in agreement as I read along. Kudos to you for getting out there – I work out in my basement.

    I’ll have to try Barre at some point – I’m hearing great things.

    • 3.1
      Mommy Niri says:

      Oh Jodi, you have run marathons and that has my undying respect. Especially since running is my biggest weakness. Too funny since all I see when I see you is a fab and fit girl. Come join at Barre, would love to work out together

  4. 4

    I love this… your humor, your WT- get up at the crack-’o-dawn for this, but most especially for your great beauty, both inside and out. (And as far as fashion fitness, come follow me some day in my 10-year old see-through pants and wrinkled tops!) xo!

    • 4.1
      Mommy Niri says:

      Sharon you are the epitome of what strength it. I LOVE your entire family but you are the grit that inspires me that I have no excuse. Thank you for being so passionate in what you do and spreading it around.

  5. 5
    Leah says:

    You go girl! Thanks for the inspiration! Looking at the big picture… every step and tuck counts!

    • 5.1
      Mommy Niri says:

      Leah it takes so much strength to start but endurance to keep with it. I am thrilled we are doing this together.

  6. 6
    Lollie ~ The Fortuitous Housewife says:

    Oh my, how your words resonate in my head! One day I woke and I had morphed into something that does not in anyway resemble the picture of myself in my head. I delete 90% of the photos taken of me lately – even when friends email them to me because “this one is a keeper”.

    Your words are brave, true & encouraging. Thanks.

    • 6.1
      Mommy Niri says:

      How did that happen right? And I still am angry that I “let myself go” since it is so hard to go back but Lollie we can do this. We can!

  7. 7
    Michelle says:

    I’ve spent as much of my life as I can remember hating and bullying myself for being fat. I’m 5’8″ and a lot of the time I was being cruel I weighed between 100 – 130lbs. Now that I’m actually obese I feel like all the unkindness I turned on myself is what got me here.

    I’ve decided that I will not treat myself this way anymore. When the negative tape loop of self-loathing pops up, I stop saying “you”, as in you are a fat loser whom no one will ever love, and say “I”. When I make that tiny change, I can hear how mean I’m being to myself and it makes the tape stop. What a relief!!!

    Now I insist on being kind to myself. I insist that whether I do “well” or not according to my super-ego, is no longer an issue. I am a fallible being and will never be perfect and that’s ok. Whatever I eat, whatever exercise I do is exactly what I am able to do in this moment. I give myself a hug. I say “It’s ok luv. Just keep moving forward.” And I do.

    Please be kind to yourself. Look in the mirror and see yourself and realize that what you look like need have no effect on how much you love yourself. Look at exercise and weight loss as an act of love not punishment.

    Doing this for myself I’ve managed to cut out sugar and white flour and lose 25 of the 100 extra pounds I’m carrying. It’s hard as hell but not as hard as hating myself.

    xoxo

    • 7.1
      Mommy Niri says:

      I don’t hate myself, I just hate being fat and honestly I am glad about taking it for as serious as it is. I want to live longer for my kids so I opted for a way that would be healthier for my body. I lost both parents early so I really know that being healthy is something important for us. More than how I fit in my clothes I love feeling so strong. You are right, exercise is an act of love. A love I give to my body which deserves more

  8. 8
    Gilda says:

    Niri,
    I am right there with you girl. Doing that fashion show was a nightmare for me as I felt so unhappy in my skin. It is so hard to focus on ourselves and at least you are doing that by getting to the gym. I look at pictures of my former self and am so not happy with what I have become. I feel exactly like you do, but you are right, we can do it!
    Gilda

    • 8.1
      Mommy Niri says:

      I was so focused on the kids Gilda that I forgot about me. I barely looked up and wish I did. I am so uncomfortable at how I look and that needs to change. You taught spinning and I have no doubt if anyone can do this, we can!

  9. 9
    kamani says:

    I am so proud of you my friend…..Keep it up as you are already a winner with that attitude! Either way we LOVE YOU!!!

  10. 10
    Tesa says:

    This had to be quite difficult to write but what an inspiring post! Having met you and knowing what a beautiful person you are I just want to reach out and give you a great big hug. It’s wonderful that you are being so dedicated and courageous as well and that you are seeing results. I’ve just started working out again and wow, is it tough! But I found your post motivating and helpful and now I feel encouraged that I can stick with it too.

  11. 11
    Will Hull says:

    My wife often talks much the same way about her body image. Remember that this is your time, it’s for you and not for anyone else. You are doing it to remain healthy to live a long life for your kids. You are setting the example for your kids that you need to take care of yourself and your body. Don’t be ashamed of that or think that you are in a competition with anyone else. This is for you. Don’t worry about how you look. After it is all said and done, you will be glad you stuck it out.

    • 11.1
      Mommy Niri says:

      We women are hard on ourselves, right? So happy your wife has a supportive partner in you, it makes the world of difference.

  12. 12

    You were so very brave to write this, and I can assure you that there are hundreds of women reading this and nodding right along with you. Keep putting those feet on the floor at 4am. Every time you go is one more day that you are doing this. You are active and you are strong and you are beautiful. Tell yourself that every time you look in the mirror. And keep on keeping on!! xoxo

    • 12.1
      Mommy Niri says:

      The nodding is totally making me feel better about me and glad that I wrote this. Those feet will hit the floor faster and harder tomorrow

  13. 13
    Kristin says:

    Keep it up lady! I so feel your pain. It’s been a nightmare losing my baby weight thanks to a thyroid issue and not feeling good in my clothes has been brutal.

    • 13.1
      Mommy Niri says:

      I kept saying baby weight but when my baby was turning 6 I realized I was telling myself I lie. Hopefully I will be in a better place before she turns 7

  14. 14

    This was such a brave post for you to write and to bare your truth. What I can tell you is I have been there and every day I have to force myself to workout. I can say that my father dying at such a young age is what keeps me going back. I want to be healthy. I want to be able to run and not feel winded. And I want to be an example for my kids. You will get there. And you will not only look beautiful but you will be healthy and that is what matters.

    • 14.1
      Mommy Niri says:

      Thanks Melissa! Funnily enough one of the reasons I am taking the difficult but better way to get in shape is because both my parents died at a young age as well.

  15. 15

    Sometimes it’s all I can do to just go for a walk, but I try to hang in there and do it, even if that’s all I do. Right. There. With. You. Keep going!!

    • 15.1
      Mommy Niri says:

      Amy watching you take the challenge with Josh was so inspiring. I love how we publicly take on goals to be a better us, that we we get each other going!

  16. 16
    sharon says:

    Love this post. I love the strength that it must have took to write and the strength you muster up every morning to get your butt to the gym. You are beautiful inside and out. Don’t you forget it!

    • 16.1
      Mommy Niri says:

      Thanks my friend and to you for capturing the picture above that gives me the courage to post it without wincing. I need to take you everywhere with me to capture the better side.

  17. 17
    Brittany says:

    I’m proud of you and you inspire me. I need to get out there and let the excuses go. You are rocking it!

  18. 18

    You rock. You totally rock. And you’ve always been beautiful. As for Lululemon, I used to belong to an expensive gym where everyone wore that brand and had gorgeously highlighted hair. Now I’m at the cheap local gym where people wear workout gear from Target (ask me how I know!) and have totally home-dyed hair. And I love it! I’m so comfortable there (in my cheap workout gear and, well, home-dyed hair). The classes are great, which is what counts for me.
    Pure Barre sounds amazing. I’d love to try it sometime.

    • 18.1
      Mommy Niri says:

      When I thing of people of strength and endurance I think of people like you Julia. Your love of running keeps me in awe and your dedication in it clearly comes through when you share updates on FB. Just another one of those things that inspires me to get out there. Slowly, yet surely!

  19. 19

    Your girls are lucky to have a mom like you. They are learning so much about personal strength with every workout you complete. Go Niri go!

  20. 20

    You know I sometimes wonder why gym classes have SO MANY damn mirrors all around the room. Okay I get it, you need to see if you are doing the right poses, form, etc. But really? No one – NO ONE – looks good all sweaty and gross and busting their butts to stay fit. So I totally hear you!

    Way to keep at it and keep going – I’m seriously impressed you do it so early in the morning, I’m not sure I could!

    Btw, I have tried Lululemon clothes and I like my Athleta/Target/Gap workout clothes better!

  21. 21
    PragmaticMom says:

    Good for you! You CAN do it!

  22. 22

    You inspire me. I have been thinking about starting to get up at 4:30 to go work out. THINKING being the key word. I must be like you and do it.

    • 22.1
      Mommy Niri says:

      Now if I could get the eating healthy thing down pat we would be good. Why, oh why does food have to taste so good?

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