Fat girl in a sea of Lululemon!

MY VIEWS | | April 2, 2013 at 7:45 pm

It’s 11:37pm and I know I should sleep. The alarm is set for 5am and I know I am going to regret watching reruns of Sex And The City but I feel like I need something to stop the thinking (worrying) about how I take another stab at my to-dos since I miserably failed at them again. But off course there is wine and silence, 2 of my favorite things, so I drag it more, thinking it will be worth it. I climb into bed with heavy eyelids  but am much more awake than I was as I put the kids to bed. I guess the tv did not work. But I close my eyes and hear my iPhone alarm going. Nooo. I could not have slept.

I quickly try to think of every plausible (and non plausible reason) why I should skip today: It is snowing! My friend is right and there is a link between beauty and sleep! Lack of sleep makes my weight issues heavier! What if the kids wake up and then the morning is a mess! Cuddling with your honey is what mornings were meant for! I need sleep!  But my feet hit the floor before I can let any of the reasons sink in. Normally people ease into waking up, but not me. I get to the bathroom and switch on the brights lights. Let’s get this done with! Warming up the car is for weaklings and those 20 minutes I have before I dress and fill up my water bottle is precious. Cold car? I just suck it up in my big jacket and drive, I mean I’m a Bostonion right?

I have been hitting the gym (I love that it costs only $10 a month so I am too lazy to cancel) and have even been there when they open up at 4:30am when hubby has to leave home extra early. But I have been attending the Pure Barre classes for the past few months. It kicks my ass but there is a lot of that so I totally need some kicking (how the heck did I let myself get into this shape?). I can almost hear my little sister saying “of course I’m in shape, round is a shape!” Anyway talking about wearing that big jacket (what do you mean what big jacket? I was talking about it a paragraph ago before you distracted me), being fat feels like I am perpetually wearing a jacket ALL THE TIME. It makes me feel clumsy and like I don’t know where I start and end at times. Of course and I am warmer than usual too.

I love my hour long elliptical workout in the gym while I catch up on headline news at CNN (what else does a girl do at 5am in the morning?) but my Pure Barre is my addiction. I walk in, take off my shoes and grab weights and more as I grab a spot on the floor. Nope, not exaggerating a bit here, it seems like all people at this class share the addiction and get there early to grab a spot as classes fill rapidly. I put my phone on silent and put it away and that alone takes all the strength I can muster. I avoid looking at the mirror as I sit and wait for class to begin, which leaves me staring at my sea of perfect bodies covered by (non see through) Lulelemon.

My idea of workout clothing is sweatpants (any) and some oversized t-shirt I got from some brand that I would never use outdoors. In other words, the ugly clothes! Here I see fashion. There is fashion in fitness?? Who knew! So not only am I the ugly dressed, who happens to be brown (another thing in minority) and a fat one at that (boy is that easier to write than to say) but I am not (yet) a Lululemon fashionista. And then the instructor says to look at the mirror for form and I forget and see me in the mirror. I wince! It is painful when the image of you does not marry the actual picture of what you look like. I look away!  Then I quickly remind myself that I am there for that exact reason.

Little does my instructor know that I am on the verge of throwing in the towel because balancing all this weight as I stand on my tiptoes kills me, but then I hear “You can do it Niri!”.  And damn it, I can! And I do! I keep my eye on the clock waiting for it all to be over. I feel like death, which is crazy since after I feel more alive than before. I try not to feel disappointed as the numbers on the scale don’t budge. Not. Even. A. Single. Bit! After the workout I was told that I did good on my planks. My head swelled. Until I got home and my 7 year old showed me what she did in her Boks workout class in school: PLANKS (only she did it perfectly)!

Then I do a small fashion show with my little girls for Old Navy and see pictures that don’t make me want to throw up. Well, that is not true: I mean pictures that hubby did not take because you know he does not understand a girl’s angle that is not flattering (pictures from lower?? Double chin anyone? Exactly) Thankfully girlfriends Lori and Sharon, who were also in the fashion show, took pics of me that surprised me. While I could still see the rolls of fat that the Spanx did not hide, I did not look hideous. I know those words seem harsh, but it is true. I loathe myself in pictures. These, while I did not love, I did not hate as well! When my friend reminded me that 3 months ago I did not look like that, I retorted that I had Spanx on, to which she replied “On your face?” Point noted.

So of course I was back at gym early next morning. The fat girl saga continues…

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