May The Peace Be With Me!

MY VIEWS | | October 17, 2012 at 11:31 am

So Lisa and I decided to meditate.  I used to meditate. A long time ago. A very, very long time ago. I started when I was completely stressed with my mom having had a stroke. Of course the bulk of the stress was not knowing what was going as they did not diagnose it on the 1st time. Yeah, that kind of stress can kick you smack in the nose. Anyway times like that will make you question your faith, in anything. And before people chime in that it is about religion, I believe faith is what we believe in ourself, irrespective of religion. Anyway a friend suggested I chant and that threw me off. I did not want to have this huge thing to do everyday.

When he told me I could do it whenever and however I wanted, I was all ears. He gave me a string of beads and the paranoid me was “Whoa, no heavy handed rules here!” and he calmed me telling me that this was just a way for me to keep focus. You could use anything to chant but he gave me a simple mantra that I could repeat. This string of beads had 108 beads, and 109 including a top knot bead. Did I lose you? I know it sounds kooky but I tried it. Getting my head cleared of everything is impossible and luckily I did not have to try to. Just by reciting the statement as my fingers touched each bead was all I needed to keep me focused.

See it is really difficult to clear your head, at least for me it is, so focusing on saying something repetitively does it. I end up making sure I am focusing on it and unknowingly clear my head of other stuff. Now that I have a kid with Autism and one having Sensory Processing Disorder I understand the whole feeling the beads and the relaxing sensory stimulation behind it. The number of beads just allows me to keep track of how long I meditate with the knot bead allowing me to realize I have reached the end. So I can meditate for as long as I want with the urge of doing more as I can.

I can do it anywhere and anytime. I used to be sitting in the car with friends and still manage doing it. I used to have a crazy day but took a few minute in a corner, pulled out my beads and continued my meditation. I always walked out refreshed and relaxed after. Then, I had kids. Everything changed. I used to be the Type-A mom that ironed sheets, yeah laugh if you must, now kids are used to get their clothes out of the clean laundry pile.

I ignored those beads. Completely! Until Lisa Johnson and I were creating goals for the month as part of our Harvard Pilgrim’s challenges. I guess timing was perfect. I forgot about me. I forgot about my mental relaxation. I needed something to help with my auto-drive mode that I was perpetually in. I head to a cruise next week but know realistically that I cannot be on a cruise all the time and need to find my Zen easier than that. I also found that even in an exotic place I was mentally still anxious. A perfect reason for being able to access my zen everywhere.

So I started again, and you know what? It is exactly like riding a bike (except I can’t ride a bike – don’t go there yet, let’s save that for another post)! I found my “Me” moment. So on the way to therapy, in waiting rooms, when the kids are screaming bloody mary in the backseat I had access to it. Sure Starbucks (bless drive-thru) works but when that cup is empty, so is my patience. And honestly meditation is cheaper and that alone can convince my hubby to buzz off during my meditation time,… ok, ok, I mean give me some space.

And then,… the day got hectic and guess what was the one thing I decided was “optional” in the day? That’s right, my meditation time right? I mean nothing was pending on it right? Except… I was stressed at my Kindergartner getting late again (seriously 8am is a ridiculous time to start school anyway) and that I missed that she was “Star of the week” and she already missed one day of the week being special, and we were onto the 2nd day filling out the chart about her. Then we figure out we DON’T have printed pictures and my printer is out of regular paper so I have been using pink paper so she draws all of the pictures. Good thing the 5 year old draws better than me. She is all happy about it, but me? No, I am feeling as guilty as hell and wondering if I am messing up this parenting gig.

Then I get doubly anxious thinking about whether the IEP issues at school should be something I need to drop everything and work on, and I feel my entire body stiffen. Then I worry, am I having an attack, and then the guilt about the last time I had been to the doc for a regular physical haunts me. Note to self: It WILL happen this year. That was just the stress from one morning, convincing me that this war is mostly in my head. I need to zen out to think clearer. I guess that meditation was what the doctor ordered, right?

Mission Meditation? A work in progress!

Now head on over to see how Lisa did!

Disclosure: Harvard Pilgrim is sponsoring the various challenges this month and I am excited to be a part of it!


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