My Resolution To Release Pause!

MY VIEWS | | January 4, 2012 at 11:36 am

I could write about wanting to get in shape or about getting organized but I will not. Oh, not because I have mastered those things or don’t care about them anymore (my 30K unread emails are a testament to how much I still need help) but because I realized my life has been in somewhat of a “pause” ┬ástatus. To be fair it is not a dead pause but more of a super slow motion picture that is so slow I can actually feel moss growing at my feet, not a pretty picture but hell it beats saying fungus and feet right?

The past few weekends we have been having sleepovers at a friend’s home and ours and I realized that we were actually relaxed. Granted that these friends, and their kids, are the most welcoming people I know, but still. Something about the ease we had slipped into was startling. Sure many people had considered us helicopter parents and maybe they were right but we had reasons to be. Or so we think. Other than the fact that I could never be a laid back, uninvolved kind of mom (yes I screen shows and lyrics for my kids) I am actually proud of trying to make sure I am a part of the food, fun and education. No, I am not that mom who does her kid’s artwork, in fact I really dislike people doing that. I give them space and I hold the reins just so they can go far but not too far. In fact that is the one thing I won’t change, being an involved parent.

The part that made me do it with somewhat panic, exhaustion and maybe more than I would have preferred is the fact that I have a daughter diagnosed with Autism. We could not just “let her play” as many parents tried to tell us or and that everything will just work out. The past 3 years in therapy taught us that it works out because we work to get it that way. So we would smell and thwart things offsetting moods and result in meltdowns or provide alternatives to things causing sensory issues. Being on guard has become second nature and has meant energy from other spheres has suffered for it.

Marriage got the lion’s share of the pause feature. You know they say relationships take a knock with disability and they are right. You know that fog you have when you have a newborn and are exhausted beyond belief but are still called to man the reins? Imagine feeling that for a long time. Luckily I am married to one of the smartest, and kindest, people I know. We poured our energy into our kids knowing that for now they need us more than ever while reserving nothing for us. Our home took the other hit, especially since I am really not a person who would spend money on objects (I prefer experiences) as I recall having lost my home in political riots in South Africa meant objects mean nothing. But, then I would have loved some nicer surroundings where I lay my head to rest each night. This would be sheer indulgence and since therapy don’t come cheap (unless you settle only for the free and slow ones you get from the state) we have been forking out dough to get things ahead.

You see I don’t just want my kids to survive in school/life but to thrive as well. This took some investment of time and money. So while my daughter may not be “cured” she has come a long way and this has meant we can maybe slowly lift our finger of the pause button. While I am not ready to move totally away from the pause button it does feel good to join the “playing” world.

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