My God Is On A Timeout!

MY VIEWS | | July 22, 2010 at 6:48 am

So my trip to Utah for Evo also landed me in a late night conversation with some of my favorite girls. So some of the girls were Mormon, or rather LDS (Latter Day Saints as I learnt was the proper term) and come on, you can’t not want to ask oodles of questions. So I did. For me the generalization and assumptions is what annoys me. Trust me I come ¬†from a religion more complex than the Rubik’s cube so I would rather people ask me to explain rather than show off with the threads of knowledge they picked up. You can read more about that conversation at Good n Crazy but that night Carissa asked me about my religion and I stated “My God Is On A Timeout!” Needless to say she was shocked.

See, I am not angry with God (oh I am not happy too) but I need for a bit not to think about it. I pretty much questioned all things from a young child and never questioned God when we were poor, when my home burned in riots or even when my dad died, but I did when my mom suffered her first stroke. Somewhere along the line of feeling the unfairness of it all, to seeing a young woman who held her head up high lose her pride along with her bodily functions can put anyone’s faith to the test. I used to tell my mom that I wanted to die before her as I never wanted a life without her. When she suffered through more strokes I knew that I wanted to die after her. Yes I loved her and wanted her to live but I wanted to make sure that for every living minute on this earth that I was living to make sure I could take care of her.

So fast forward (really fast forward since she died less that 8 months after that first stroke) I figured out that reincarnation (which I believe in) also tells the tale of penance on earth being paid for past lives. I began to imagine my mom must have been some awful monster in her previous life to be paying for that now. So I made my peace and started my faith again. I am more in love with the ideals of religion than the methods to promote them. I have some friends who have jubilantly come over to celebrate some festival while not paying any attention to the fact that we are not sure where our next grocery items will come from. To me, religion is about loving and caring for one another and I really don’t care what religion you belong to; if you are kind that is what matters.

Then after moving to the USA and enduring job losses and eventually having my daughter diagnosed with Autism, I felt this is enough. Enough! I know I can draw strength from religion. But not yet. Not now. I don’t think I am ready. We don’t put our kids on a timeout to punish them, we do it for both parties to take a breather so they can deal with things better, with a clearer head.

I don’t hate God, I just know I am not ready to deal with God. Not yet!

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