My God Is On A Timeout!

MY VIEWS | | July 22, 2010 at 6:48 am

So my trip to Utah for Evo also landed me in a late night conversation with some of my favorite girls. So some of the girls were Mormon, or rather LDS (Latter Day Saints as I learnt was the proper term) and come on, you can’t not want to ask oodles of questions. So I did. For me the generalization and assumptions is what annoys me. Trust me I come  from a religion more complex than the Rubik’s cube so I would rather people ask me to explain rather than show off with the threads of knowledge they picked up. You can read more about that conversation at Good n Crazy but that night Carissa asked me about my religion and I stated “My God Is On A Timeout!” Needless to say she was shocked.

See, I am not angry with God (oh I am not happy too) but I need for a bit not to think about it. I pretty much questioned all things from a young child and never questioned God when we were poor, when my home burned in riots or even when my dad died, but I did when my mom suffered her first stroke. Somewhere along the line of feeling the unfairness of it all, to seeing a young woman who held her head up high lose her pride along with her bodily functions can put anyone’s faith to the test. I used to tell my mom that I wanted to die before her as I never wanted a life without her. When she suffered through more strokes I knew that I wanted to die after her. Yes I loved her and wanted her to live but I wanted to make sure that for every living minute on this earth that I was living to make sure I could take care of her.

So fast forward (really fast forward since she died less that 8 months after that first stroke) I figured out that reincarnation (which I believe in) also tells the tale of penance on earth being paid for past lives. I began to imagine my mom must have been some awful monster in her previous life to be paying for that now. So I made my peace and started my faith again. I am more in love with the ideals of religion than the methods to promote them. I have some friends who have jubilantly come over to celebrate some festival while not paying any attention to the fact that we are not sure where our next grocery items will come from. To me, religion is about loving and caring for one another and I really don’t care what religion you belong to; if you are kind that is what matters.

Then after moving to the USA and enduring job losses and eventually having my daughter diagnosed with Autism, I felt this is enough. Enough! I know I can draw strength from religion. But not yet. Not now. I don’t think I am ready. We don’t put our kids on a timeout to punish them, we do it for both parties to take a breather so they can deal with things better, with a clearer head.

I don’t hate God, I just know I am not ready to deal with God. Not yet!

7 Comments

  1. 1

    Great post— on a great chat!

    I’m so glad we all got together that night! Having heard your side, I can totally respect your time-out with God. I’m not sure I know 100% what I believe in either- but I’m pretty sure it doesn’t all fit into the methods of any one organized religion.

    Hope to have more late night chats with you gals at Blogher!

  2. 2
    Erin Lane says:

    Oh I am so pleased that you took time to write this post. I agree with you 100% that religion is about loving and caring for others.

    I have always been more spiritual than religious.

    Thank you so much for sharing this.

  3. 3
    Marcel says:

    For the record, I am LDS as well and a friend of Carissa’s. I don’t necessary feel I need a time out from God, but I would like to put God in a time out. Is that possible? And I am really hoping there is no reincarnation, the thought of doing this all over again SCARES the hell out of me. Even eternal life, I think, “Really, oh S*&$!”

    I think if you have suffered tremendous losses, your perspective can go a number of ways. As I’m trying to work through having PTSD (which is crazy because I’ve been to Iraq), I’ve learned it’s ok to take a time out. I’ve also learned the importance of bringing light and truth into my life everyday, whether that’s through reading religious writings, inspirational words, or music that moves me. It’s this light and truth that reminds me that my sufferings are but a speck in the sands of humanity, and to look upward for hope and healing.

    I wish you the best in your spiritual journey. The Buddha tells us,
    “Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without.”

  4. 4
    Kamani says:

    Great post….take all the time you need to find the inner peace you are looking for. Some times we do not need to search to far.

    It would be a perfect world if we all beleived in the “human religion” of loving, caring and peace amongst each other without putting a demonation of faith we beleive in.

  5. 5
    Carissa says:

    Thanks so much Niri for joining me! I love the lyrics from the song from Wicked.. “Who can Say if I’ve Been Changed for the Better…? I have been changed for Good.”

    Meeting people I love and respect in real life does that to me. :) Hugs.

  6. 6
    Sisterlisa says:

    Niri, that was so refreshing to read. I consider myself a person of faith and I had to cast aside the ‘religion’ that takes advantage of people and embrace the faith that was burning deep in my soul..the faith in Love. I believe the real God is Love and we all possess an amount of love within us and like you said..if you’re kind and loving that’s what matters. I totally agree. God didn’t say ‘They will know you by your position in the choir or which denomination you are in” He said ‘by how you love one another’

    I also happen to believe it’s ok to be mad at God and I believe that even if we are hitting and kicking him in anger and hurt feelings..that He still loves us and embraces us. Because that’s what grace does.

    We’ll never have God ‘all figured out’ and I don’t think He asks us to. He loves us..and did so before we were born and will continue to forever. And not because of what church we go to, or don’t go to..or how many religious rituals we partook in.

    and Marcel shared insightful words of encouragement (Thanks, Marcel) Buddha was right..it’s within..because God is within.

    Death is so hard to understand..so I decided not to think about it. I lost my dad to a heart attack when I was 19 yrs old. And he was in his early 40′s. Tough times, but I’m at peace now. Thank you for sharing your story.

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